Today's Joke


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Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback, and came upon a huge hole in the ground.


They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.



The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."


The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”


Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.


As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.


They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.


Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"


The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"


The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."
 
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Colin

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Hi,

An absolutely miserable day here; a black hole and Blackie doing his thing with a vengeance; more soakings as I go to and come from the workshop; thank you so much for this hilarious joke Sean putting a huge smile on my face. It's priceless. :):):)

Kind regards, Colin.
 
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There's no end of golf jokes, but this is one of my favourites.

An engineer working on a contract in South Africa has a day off and has read about a really nice golf course way out in the bush. So after a couple of hours drive he finds it and asks if he can play a round. The professional tells him they don't let anyone play and he'd need to see his handicap certificate, which he hands over and the guy reads, says "I see it's thirteen, that's fine." and marks it on the score card he gives him.

Just as he's about to leave the pro shop, the pro says, "Of course you'll need a guard, it's a very dangerous country." He rings a bell and this man armed with a rifle appears. "He'll also mark your card for you."

So off they go, On the third hole, he's just about to tee-off, when this wild boar comes out of the bush and starts charging towards him. Quick as a flash the guard shoots it and calmly says "Carry on."

On the twelfth fairway, he's about to take his second shot, when a lion runs out of some nearby trees, towards him, once again the guard saves his life by shooting the lion and the move on.
After an uneventful number of holes, they reach the eighteenth. He's just about to putt out, when a crocodile appears out of an adjacent pond. He turns to the guard who is just standing their with his rifle held across his arms in front of him. The guard makes no effort to shoot the crocodile and he's only able to fight it off by hitting it with his very expensive putter.

"Why didn't you shoot it?"
"Well sir, you're handicap is thirteen, this hole is stroke index fourteen. You don't get a shot on this hole!"
 
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Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texan rancher.

One morning on the way to check out the cows on the range, the rancher says to Amy,
"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, I drove a nail into the two by four just above the cow's stall in the barn, you show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the range.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes the man down to the barn and they walk along a long line of cows in stalls appearing to be studying each one and when she sees the nail, she says. "It's this cow here."


Terribly impressed by what he thought was just another ditzy blonde, he says, "How did you know which cow was to be bred?"
"That's easy, it's by the nail over the stall," Amy says.
"What's the nail for?" The man replies.


"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she replies as she walks away.
 
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Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends; "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him;
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says; 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him;
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,

I have a daughter,slim and tall, 40D breasts 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, JESUS!"



An Irish farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.


'Didn't you say to the
Police at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details',
the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the
scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer
and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your

Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that,
at the scene of the accident, this man told
the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he
is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested

in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin
' her down de road when this huge Eversweet
truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was
trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt,
very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moanin'
and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible
pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman

on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too,
so he went over to her. After he looked
at her, and saw her condition, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road,

gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feelin'?'

'Now w
hat da f**k would you say?'
 
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I rarely remember jokes, I have to go through old e-mails to find them.

I get them sent to me either by two of my teenage friends I've not seen in decades but converse through e-mails as they live 200 miles away, my sister of golf club pals.
 
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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So


he looks in the Yellow Pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers".

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.



The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun

and a mean old pit bull.



"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.



"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the

bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his

testicles in his teeth and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the

cage in the back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner..



"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
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Some opinions on sex by well known people.

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.

Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz380SL."

Lynn Lavner


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia


"Sex is one of the nine reasons for re-incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey,women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental,where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers


"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin


"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips


" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns
 
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Two old ladies were sat outside the marquee where a flower show was on.
One moaned to her friend ' we don't have much fun anymore '.
To which the other lady replied ' I'll bet you £5 you couldn't run naked through that marquee '.
Her friend responded by stripping off all her clothes and dashing off into the flower show venue.
Moments later cheering and a loud applause could be heard coming from inside.......her friend suddenly reappeared smiling broadly and proudly holding up a trophy.....' I won 1st place in the Best Dried Arrangements ' !!
 
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A man walks into his Drs with a carrot in one ear, a parsnip in the other and a Brussels sprout up both nostrils.
' Oh Dr ' he said ' what's wrong with me ' ??
' You need to eat more sensibly '!!
 

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