Things people say

[Peace perfect peace]

greetings dung spreaders,
Have you ever thought what some people say?
My other half met an english woman she's seen many times over the years in the food store and while she was having a chat this lady said to a passing french woman ive not seen you for ages,
No was the reply,
Have done anything good today ?
Ive just been to a funeral she said

Oh has someone died??????

 

[trail twister]

People can be a crass lot I do think.

Al

 

[Peace perfect peace]

Try this one Al,

This guy trying to stand out in an uptown restaurant
"Waiter" Bring me a Gin and Tonic with ice And make sure its fresh ice as i can't stand that frozen stuff,
Bum Bum,

 

[trail twister]

About as dumb as people falling for the Angus beef hype.
What on earth happens to all the herford beef and other breeds. Surely they do not make glue out of all them?

Al

 

[Peace perfect peace]

Ok AI This ones just for you,
An irish man And an American guy and a very posh english man
Are all in this Hotel bar having a drink and after the drinks started to loosen their mouth's they start to talk about who's the best lovers,

" American guy"
Hey you guys us Americans are the worlds best lovers,
All i do when my woman is nude on the bed i just kiss her little toe and thats all "And boy oh boy she lifts 1 feet of the bed with exciting feelings,
" Oh yes" the Americans are the best lover's "ride on brother" beat that !!!!!

"English man"
Now just hold on, Let me tell you my turn on secret,
My Lady is laying on the bed and all i need do to turn her on is give her little angel kiss'es in her ear, And And she lifts 2 feet off the bed and cant keep her hands off me all night, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Yes the english are the best Lover's .

The Irish man not wanting to be left out say's,
Now hold on you two, your talking a load of crap,
All i do is walk into the bedroom while my wifes laying in bed fixing a punture in her inner tube and i just blow me nose on the curtains and she hits the bloody roof everytime

Bum Bum, How's that one Al ?

 

[trail twister]

Crazy!!! what is the one foot of the bed thing?

Al

 

[Peace perfect peace]

Al "sorry" i got so excited writing this lot i missed one "F"
So I feel im owing you another joke,
Try this one Al,

Now this time in history is when "Press gangs" landed in ports all over england and their job was to kidnap young men to man the ships waiting to sail away over the sea's,
Not all the young men fitted into sea life and some had to be told day after day what to do and how to do it,

"Ships cook" Come here you !

The latest victim stood shaking "only wanting to please and live a life of peace"

"Cook"
Now you's take this tray to the captains cabin, It's his supper and he dont like his food all mixed up on the plate "so's you carry this tray Like im showing you,

The cook holds the tray on his shoulder while his arm is bent and his hand firmly on his hip,

If you do's it the way's ive showed you you'll have one hand to hold onto the ships rails,

Now remember what ive said, The captain dont like his food all mixed up, and the last Young lad who mixed his food up ended up as "Shark dinner" So do what ever the Captain tells you!!!!!! Now get the tray and go.

The young lad got the tray and opened the door and went on deck, it was a bad storm blowing, 60foot waves crashing over the ship,
The ship rocked from side to side "But the young lad made it to the Captain's cabin door"

And he himself was amazed he still had his bent arm in place and his hand on his hip & the tray and food all in place,
He took a deep breath and then knocked on the Captains door, KNOCK KNOCK,

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who the hell's Knocking on my door??????

It's me Captain "Willy small piece" ive got your supper,

What!!! Sing out Laddie or your shark meat, Sing out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just at that minute a giant wave crashes over the deck and whips the tray into the very wild sea,

Once again the Captains Loud voice shouts "Singout Laddie" Whats happend to my supper?

The lad takes a deep breath and sings

Oh your supper's gone over bourd barleyvooo your suppers gone over bourd barleyvooo

Well how's that one Al ?

 

[Sean Regan]

I was talking to my sister about a Welsh golfing friend who was a mining engineer.
His father was a miner. This would have been in the late forties.One day after school his mother asked him to go down to the Coop to get a loaf.
"I'll just get my hoop and stick."

"You don't need your hoop!"

"Well I'm not walking!"

She then told me this joke she remembered that our father told her when she was small.

A boy goes into the police station and reports that his hoop and stick had just been stolen.
The sergeant, says he'll get the policemen to keep a look out for anyone with it.

The boy replied.

"That's all well and good, but how am I expected to get home?"

 

[Peace perfect peace]

I was talking to my sister about a Welsh golfing friend who was a mining engineer.
His father was a miner. This would have been in the late forties.One day after school his mother asked him to go down to the Coop to get a loaf.
"I'll just get my hoop and stick."

"You don't need your hoop!"

"Well I'm not walking!"

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She then told me this joke she remembered that our father told her when she was small.

A boy goes into the police station and reports that his hoop and stick had just been stolen.
The sergeant, says he'll get the policemen to keep a look out for anyone with it.

The boy replied.

"That's all well and good, but how am I expected to get home?"

 

[Sean Regan]

Back in the seventies, a very pleasant Irish girl was one of my store's sales assistants.

Here's a couple of her observations.
It was a three floor departmental store with a different colour scheme for each floor. She said she couldn't understand how the doors of the lift which were cream on the ground floor but changed to green on the first.

It was the time of the miner's strikes, so there were regular power cuts, so as well as having no power there were times when there was power in some areas but no TV from London.
She said to me. "When we've got no TV I bet that Mr Heath will be alright, as he'll have a portable television set!"

 

[Peace perfect peace]

Hi Sean,
The old ones are still the best,
You've just reminded me a the time as a lad my Dad really lost his temper with me,
I was born in 1949 not that long after the second world war was over and we then lived just a mile from the Docks near Birkenhead/Liverpool
Hitler had been bombing this area every chance he got and we as kids had the old air raid shelters to play in,
Times we're hard for the women and the area we lived in was mainly rented houses and it was a slum area,

Our house had been bombed (it was a mid terraced house) But my Dad would tell me to make sure i told the teachers we lived in the only
"Semi- detached" house in our street, Well i did as he said but I said to much and told the teacher
"And miss we've got lovely rose coloured wall paper" !!!!!

The teacher asked if this paper was in the living room or hallway?

No i replied it's on the outside wall ,

 

[trail twister]

Sorry I don't get the English Humor???????

Al

 

[Peace perfect peace]

Well dont worry about it AI
I spent 3 month in an exchange visit with the US, Army and i did'nt understand the humour on your side of the pond,
But we are what we are and can only be just that,

Try this one Al,
This trucker was pulling his trailer along route 66 when he noticed a string of Hells Angels riding behind him,
They wanted to stay as close as they could to the rear of his trailer,
He decided to pull over in the truck stop and eat,
The Angels pulled in behind him and as he got out of his truck they started throwing abuse at the old truck driver
Telling him he was the son of a mother Fu---r and he just walk away "not a word came out of his mouth,

Inside the truck stop the Angels continued throwing abuse at the driver "until he'd had enough" And decided to leave,

The angels turned their attention to the other truck drivers and one said,
"Hey " he's not much of a man is he"

One old truck driver who was standing finishing his coffee and looking through the window at the insulted truck driver as he drove off the park,
He Turned facing the Angles and said " He ain't much of a driver , No"
He's just run over all those Harleys "

 

[trail twister]

Have heard that one many ways. In the end the Abused get even even today.

Al