Dear Citizens of America

zigs

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.

5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are moo poo and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.
 
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Pursuant to the request of the Queen of England, and in a desire to be compliant, today I drove on the left side of the street. I got a ticket. To whom shall I contact to air my grievance?
 
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I would suggest you send your grievance, in written form, to DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency) in Swansea.
Unless you are under three years of age, you are unlikely to receive a reply in your lifetime, and so can cheerfully dismiss it from your worries.
I'd suggest you travel to Britain to deliver your letter personally, but Her Majesty's Passport Office acts with similar haste, especially if you have planned a Mediterranean holiday.
 

Pat

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I enjoyed reading the informational piece. A good laugh at us Americans. Petro $10 a gallon. We should not say a word at $4, no worries.
 

zigs

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It's very tongue in cheek, not meant to offend :)
 

zigs

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I paid £1.29 a litre yesterday, and that's come down a few pence since last week.
 
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No offense taken Zigs, it was a very clever and creative piece of writing. Good luck with who killed JFK, we are still wondering who did it! I'm also in favor of tea at 4 pm and eliminating the brutal and awful American football. Don't mention the last one, its un - American to not want to watch a bunch of steroid enhance behemoths try and disable and maim one another every Sunday in the name of sport. You're on your own with the petrol prices though. Why doesn't GB try and take over Venezuela? I understand gas prices are quite low there.
 

zigs

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That's an idea, we could send a task force in the direction of the Falkland Islands, Argentina would go on full alert thinking we were coming for them, then just veer off sideways in the mid Atlantic, they wouldn't be expecting it
 
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My teenage daughter is such an Anglophile that she would probably be thrilled if this was a real situation. She's 15 and asks me to make her a "cuppa". That kid loves tea.
 
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Yes! Tea time is a great idea. At the rate we are going, I think I would welcome the Queen. I find it quite sad that we like to police everyone, but can not even handle ourselves in a dignified manner. Oh, and I would be ahead of the game on the metric system! I had to learn it in pharmacy class.
 

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